Zechariah James story (our second loss)

It was a long year and a half after losing Matthew before I could get pregnant again. The long, frustrating, difficult roaller coaster of infertility was not at all what we expected we would face after our loss. I remember one Sunday, shortly before we got pregnant where the Pastor preached out of the book of Zechariah (chapter 1). Few sermons hit closer to home then that one did. His main points were that God saw me, He knew my pain, He remembered me, and He would work on my behalf. The name Zechariah means "God remembered me". That day I told Adam, if we ever did get pregnant again, and if it was a boy, Zechariah would be his name.

Little did I know not even a month later I did get pregnant. I remember lots of fears in the beginning, but with each week that passed, the symptoms increased, the doctor exams kept showing everything great and we became more confident that this was our little miracle. God remembered us. I had been praying for a boy, and fewer days were more exciting then the day we found out that's what we had :). It was a smooth pregnancy, he was an active baby, always moving around like crazy. The only red flag was around 32 weeks I started feeling cramping and contractions, and we thought maybe I might be leaking amniotic fluids. I went on bedrest to convince Zechariah to hang out with me a little longer and he did. We hit 41 weeks and he seemed quite content to stay in there even with the contractions from time to time.

April 1, 2016 I went in for a regular checkup. His heart rate was lower then normal but still within the norm. So I went for an ultrasound, within one hours time his heart rate had dropped from 150 per minute to 50 per minute. We rushed into the hospital for an emergency c-section. Our sweet baby lived for 3 hours after he was born. He had heart failure and was revived 3 times. I heard him cry from a far, but that's all I got to see of him during his short life. I lay recovering from he c-section when they brought my beautiful boy for me to hold. He was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen in my life. He was perfect. A big boy, almost 9 pounds. Long, chubby, beautiful strawberry curls on his head. His tiny little fingers curled around my finger. Moments I replay over and over in my head o a daily basis. Those short moments flew by so quickly, I always wish there were more of them. The state of shock and dreamlike feeling lasted for days. I only remember snippets. But his beautiful face could not be more vividly skecthed into my heart.

A loss like this one is so completely different from a miscarriage. I continue to learn from his 41 weeks with me. He taught me so much.  So much about life, death; joy and grief. He taught me love in a way I never knew it before. He showed me how to better help those hurting around me. It was hard, it still is hard, I've come to realize it forever will be hard. God gives strength, daily He gives just what we need to get through that day. Zechariah James Lancaster will never be forgotten, no matter how many years go by. That's ok, he should be forever remembered and he will be forever loved. ❤️

Matthew's Story (My first loss)

I still remember that morning... even though I was 99% sure I couldn't possibly be pregnant since I had tested when I should have gotten a positive but didn't, it had been a whole month since then. I just needed to be 100% sure. As I sat there half asleep, I was shocked to see a second line. I was 8 weeks pregnant and had no clue. I couldn't do anything else that morning. I was so excited all I could do was sit on the couch and wait for my husband to get home so I could tell him.

A couple months before when we had decided we would "stop preventing" I knew I wanted to be prepared for when this moment came. So I had gone online and ordered a cute little onsie with the word "Noob" on it. A perfect way to let my geeky husband know he was gonna be a Daddy. The second he walked in the door he knew something was up, I couldn't stop smiling... the next few weeks flew by as we were about to move from Torrington, Wyoming to Kansas City, Kansas.

Naively I figured if I was this far along, and no spotting or bleeding had occurred, everything had to be fine right? We had gone to the doctor and they confirmed I was pregnant, a doppler was used but no heartbeat was heard.... "totally normal though since its so early." my uterus was bigger, everything else was normal. I decided I would just do an ultrasound after the move, why would something go wrong with me? The big move occurred, and the number one priority on my list was finding a natural doctor. I found this wonderful birthing center and quickly booked my first appointment. I felt so proud as I went through with all these newly pregnant mommies, I was the biggest one there in my 13 week belly lol.

The day before my scheduled appointment, at almost 14 weeks, I had some light bleeding. I remember freaking out instantly. As naive as I was about pregnancy, I knew that wasn't a good sign. I called my husband crying, some friends came over to be with me until he got home. I called the birth center and they said I should lay low and come in first thing the next morning. Somehow I slept that night, the bleeding was so minimal I figured everything was ok. It happens right?

Nothing could have prepared me for what was coming that morning. March 5th, 2014 we went in to check up on our baby. After quite awhile of looking for a heartbeat with none being found I was panicking and we went for an ultrasound. It took only a couple seconds for the ultrasound lady to turn to me and say "there is no baby" I froze. Completely unable to follow the rest of what she was saying "this happens all the time" "baby didn't develop past 4 weeks" Snippets of what she said reached my ears but I couldn't process any of it. I was stunned, shocked, and my world was falling apart.

I remember lots of late nights crying... lots of pain physically and emotionally as we faced our first loss. Only those who go through it know the pain. It was so crazy to me how much I loved my child that I had never even met. Mommy instinct was that I was pregnant with a boy, so we named him Matthew which meant "gift from God". We will never forget our first little one. He made me a Mommy, I'm so blessed that he picked me as his mommy. ❤️

How to help your spouse during a loss

How a husband can help a wife:
1. Let her see you cry. A lot of guys try to be strong (which is fine) but never showing your grief appears as if you don't care. And the wife needs to know you feel the pain with her and care about what's going on.
2. Talk about it. Which is hard cause it goes against the mans nature. He would rather not think or talk about it. Go to his "nothing box" so to speak. But for women talking about it is essential. They need to feel the freedom to express the millions of emotions. Give her space to vent.
3. Little acts of kindness. Cheesy, but flowers, little cards, and hugs or even a bucket of ice cream on the hard days just make you feel supported and brighten your day.
4. Point her to Christ. You don't have to preach at her but sharing an encouraging verse, a song, taking time to pray with her will help on so many levels.
5. Being aware of her surroundings. After multiple losses seeing a baby or pregnant woman when I don't expect to can be hard. Noticing those things and giving her a heads up. Or even giving her a way to get out of the situation can help her. It's a way you can protect her.
6. Be flexible. We went to the mall once only about a month after I lost Zechariah. And as we sat ordering our food, a tv station came by and started interviewing the table next to us on the joys of mother hood for Mother's Day. I tried. But I lost it. And I just wanted to go home. Adam dropped everything, canceled the orders and left. Providing that kind of safe zone helps. There have been days he has canceled things cause it's been a hard day for me...
7. Allow her time to heal physically from the loss. Miscarriage can be really painful physically. And a c-section is for sure 😅 Due to the sadness it can be easy to want her to be normal as soon as possible to not daily deal with the reality of what happened. But she needs that time to heal physically, don't try to rush them back to normal. They need time just like mommies who keep their babies do.
8. Let her be sad. Let her grieve. You don't have to fix it.



How a wife can help a husband:
1. Realize it's not just you. Yes, we experience the loss in a more intimate and maybe even deeper level since we had the baby in our body.... but they experience it too. They lost a child too. People tend to offer more support to the mom. Don't leave dad out. He needs the support too.
2. Realize he grieves differently. Just because you don't always see it. Doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. He's usually not gonna cry as much or talk about it as much. But he is still grieving. Don't think he doesn't care.
3. Give him space. A lot of guys deal with tough things by going to their "nothing box" that may be something like playing a video game or some other mindless activity. Once again. They deal differently.
4. Allow them guy time. And help their guy friends help him. Shortly after we lost Zechariah we faced a Brazilian Father's Day so I knew none of his friends in the states would know to say anything. Without him knowing I texted all his close friends to tell them so they would wish him Happy Father's Day. The support from other guys is important.
5. Point him to Christ. Yes he is the spiritual leader but he needs your encouragement too. Sharing an encouraging verse, a song, taking time to pray with him as well.

One year with Jesus - Zechariah

How can a Mother put into words everything she wants to say on a day like today? I could go on for hours, of all the wonderful memories: of the painfully hard days; or of the astounding strength that God gives when we feel like we just cant keep going. I could thank every one of you who has taken the time to message us or post on our Facebook walls and I can honestly say, this journey would be so much harder without the love and support you all have sent our way.... Thank you SO much! I'm so blessed with amazing friends and family. I could talk about how I thought we would face this day with the hope of another child whether through adoption or pregnancy, and how hard it was to watch another baby join our heavenly crew a couple months ago. There are so many things I want to say... But to summarize my thoughts (as best as a wordy girl can :-P)... I do not regret one day with you in my life Zechariah. Although the day you left was the hardest day of my life, those 287 days I carried you were among the best. I am beyond privileged to know that God picked me to carry you, be your Mommy and provider every single day of your life. Thank you for teaching me so much about love, about how my Heavenly Father loves me, how I should love those around me in their pain, and most of all you taught me what joy and hope awaits us in Heaven. Thank you for showing me in a very real manner how verses like this one below that I had memorized and heard my whole life, are sooo much more true then we realize. Its one thing to hear and know it, its a whole different thing to walk through it and experience it.

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:8-9

Ill close with a poem I wrote for Zechariah's first Birthday, thanks for those of you who love us so much that you will read this whole thing lol

Zechariah's Birthday Poem:

Happy Birthday with Jesus, my sweet baby boy.
 Just to know you are in Heaven fills my heart with joy.

You know perfect love and happiness, you shed no tears.
 You are safely home with Jesus; how could I wish you here!

Though we miss you so much and think of you each day;
We know you have it better there than if you had stayed.

Yes, we still cry and weep when we think of you.
Yet, to know you are safe with Jesus is a prayer come true.

I know your day will be better than any party we could throw.
Here we will celebrate you every day, just so you know.

Happy birthday, Zechariah James, we are so glad we had you.
Someday soon we will be with you, somewhere beyond the blue.