Matthew's Story (My first loss)

I still remember that morning... even though I was 99% sure I couldn't possibly be pregnant since I had tested when I should have gotten a positive but didn't, it had been a whole month since then. I just needed to be 100% sure. As I sat there half asleep, I was shocked to see a second line. I was 8 weeks pregnant and had no clue. I couldn't do anything else that morning. I was so excited all I could do was sit on the couch and wait for my husband to get home so I could tell him.

A couple months before when we had decided we would "stop preventing" I knew I wanted to be prepared for when this moment came. So I had gone online and ordered a cute little onsie with the word "Noob" on it. A perfect way to let my geeky husband know he was gonna be a Daddy. The second he walked in the door he knew something was up, I couldn't stop smiling... the next few weeks flew by as we were about to move from Torrington, Wyoming to Kansas City, Kansas.

Naively I figured if I was this far along, and no spotting or bleeding had occurred, everything had to be fine right? We had gone to the doctor and they confirmed I was pregnant, a doppler was used but no heartbeat was heard.... "totally normal though since its so early." my uterus was bigger, everything else was normal. I decided I would just do an ultrasound after the move, why would something go wrong with me? The big move occurred, and the number one priority on my list was finding a natural doctor. I found this wonderful birthing center and quickly booked my first appointment. I felt so proud as I went through with all these newly pregnant mommies, I was the biggest one there in my 13 week belly lol.

The day before my scheduled appointment, at almost 14 weeks, I had some light bleeding. I remember freaking out instantly. As naive as I was about pregnancy, I knew that wasn't a good sign. I called my husband crying, some friends came over to be with me until he got home. I called the birth center and they said I should lay low and come in first thing the next morning. Somehow I slept that night, the bleeding was so minimal I figured everything was ok. It happens right?

Nothing could have prepared me for what was coming that morning. March 5th, 2014 we went in to check up on our baby. After quite awhile of looking for a heartbeat with none being found I was panicking and we went for an ultrasound. It took only a couple seconds for the ultrasound lady to turn to me and say "there is no baby" I froze. Completely unable to follow the rest of what she was saying "this happens all the time" "baby didn't develop past 4 weeks" Snippets of what she said reached my ears but I couldn't process any of it. I was stunned, shocked, and my world was falling apart.

I remember lots of late nights crying... lots of pain physically and emotionally as we faced our first loss. Only those who go through it know the pain. It was so crazy to me how much I loved my child that I had never even met. Mommy instinct was that I was pregnant with a boy, so we named him Matthew which meant "gift from God". We will never forget our first little one. He made me a Mommy, I'm so blessed that he picked me as his mommy. ❤️